Matthew Inman

"Admire the handsome lobsters in the tank near the front. Then eat them and absorb their handsome powers."

"Gyros are tasty and the staff seem super friendly. It's a bit slow but that's okay; it means they're cooking your food instead of just re-heating it."

"It's an amazing feat of engineering and science that they built an airport where every single terminal smells like greasy farts. Newark: I salute your stench."

"The hostess who sat me was so beautiful yet so grumpy. Grumptiful hostess, why won't you love me?"

"Don't fart on the bedroom pillows. Jesus is always watching!"

"If you're impatient, remember that every second you spend waiting for your food its deliciousness compounds by 1000%"